The Leavenworth Times - Leavenworth, KS
  • Reichley: Quotes may not be brilliant, but some funny

  • Readers have been hit in recent columns with anniversaries of famous battles that happened many years ago, and too much martial stuff might get a bit heavy.
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  • Readers have been hit in recent columns with anniversaries of famous battles that happened many years ago, and too much martial stuff might get a bit heavy. So sit back, relax, and read this if you need a good laugh, or even a hint of a laugh.
    These are quotes sent via email with the title Brilliant Quotes. There was no attribution as to who selected them, or thought they were brilliant. All but one are attributed, so we know who said them. I recognized the names of all but two, which I suppose isn't too bad.
    So for better or for worse, read away.
    "Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin,'" Lillian Carter, mother of Jimmy and Billy.
    "I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall,'" Eleanor Roosevelt.
    "Last week, I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement," Mark Twain.
    "The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible," George Burns.
    "Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year," Victor Borge.
    "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint," Mark Twain.
    "By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher," Socrates.
    "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury," Groucho Marx.
    "My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe," Jimmy Durante.
    "I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back," Zsa Zsa Gabor.
    "Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat," Alex Levine.
    "My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying," Rodney Dangerfield.
    "Money can't buy you happiness…but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery," Spike Milligan.
    "Until I was 13, I thought my name was SHUT UP," Joe Namath.
    "I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap," Bob Hope.
    "I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it," W.C. Fields.
    "We could certainly slow down the aging process if it had to work its way through Congress," Will Rogers.
    Page 2 of 2 - "Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you," Winston Churchill.
    "Maybe it's true that life begins at 50. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out," Phyllis Diller.
    "By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere," Billy Crystal.
    "The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out," author of that one is unknown.
    Hopefully a few of these gems will bring a smile, even though in my opinion most were cute, but hardly brilliant.
    John Reichley is a retired Army officer and retired Department of the Army civilian employee.
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