To the editor:
A new restaurant will soon open employing as its business model local, state and federal government policy and practices. The menu will be simple and straightforward; however, customer billing and pricing will consist of thousands of pages requiring extensive experience and knowledge to read and interrupt, not to mention employing legions of lawyers to constantly update this pricing document.
Additionally, the pricing document will contain secret codicils and to enrich favorite vendors and suppliers unspecified, arbitrary and capricious fees to be added to customers' bills. Anticipating rampant waste, fraud and abuse amongst the staff, vendors and suppliers, the pricing document will also include a 25 percent surcharge to cover theft, spillage and corruption.
The staff will be paid at three times their peer's wages, not because of their unique knowledge, skills, abilities or education; but, simply to buy their support for management. The staff, realizing their shortcomings, will be rude, contemptuous and unhelpful to customers as they arbitrarily change customer orders, overbill and engage in deplorable customer service.
Rather than offering a "soup de jour," the restaurant will celebrate and enforce "cause de jour" be it obesity, gun control, wealth re-distribution, or other nonsensical good ideas. For example, to ensure wealth re-distribution, approximately half of the customers will be charged double so that the remaining customers can eat for free. Finally, the restaurant will be decorated with reams of red tape.
Using this business model based on government policies and practices, how long will the restaurant remain in business?