Handbook for politicians.
Note to readers (if any): in February, 2011, I published the “Politician’s Handbook” as a letter to the Editor. It was critically acclaimed by my girlfriend and one or two others, including myself. I also added it as a permanent page in my blog, www.asmwizard.com. Realizing that Democrats need a few extra rules, in August of 2011 I added the Special Supplement for Democrats. Currently, I realize that appointed officials of the government are politicians too, and they need a few rules to follow. I’ll begin with Rules for Appointed Officials, then I’ll include the rest of the Politician’s Handbook for your reference.
Rules for Appointed Officials.
Blame everything on the lowest officials. Blame goes down, never up.
Whatever you do, you don’t know what your underlings and your bosses did and are doing. Stay inside your circle of ignorance. It protects you from the outside world.
Plead the 5th if there’s any chance you did something wrong. You’re a Civil Service employee, and therefore it’s very difficult to fire you. If you are suspended with pay, you can keep receiving money for about 3 years (without working) before your appeals run out and you can finally be fired. If your boss threatens to suspend you without pay, threaten to tell what he did.
The Politician’s Handbook.
It takes special skills to be a successful politician. Not just anyone can do it properly.
Remember, whatever your party affiliation, success is turning your election into a lifetime career of luxury, at the expense of the taxpayers. To achieve it, follow these rules:
First and foremost, you must believe in yourself. You are infallible -- nothing you do or your party does can possibly be wrong or immoral. Likewise, nothing your opponent can do can possibly be right.
You must never answer a question. When asked, answer some other question, not stated, with a statement you've prepared to further your cause. A question is just an opportunity to speak. Remember, the person who asks is out to get you. Don't play his or her game. When finished, pretend your answer directly addressed what the questioner asked.
You must frame your speech carefully, and avoid the precise truth of any matter. Describe things in general terms, the more general, the better. Use terms like progress, hope, change, and The American People.
Blame the other guy. Don't accept blame, ever. Whatever goes bad, it's someone else's fault. Of course, if possible, the blame should go to someone in the other party, but if that doesn't work, it's someone else in your party. Just make certain it isn't you. If you're in a bad situation, it's your predecessor's fault. You're working your tail off to fix what he/she did.
Conversely, claim credit for anything good that happens. No matter how farfetched, your contribution made the good result possible.
Cast your supporters or potential supporters as victims. Preferably, the other party caused their problems, or refuses to address them. Remember, victims are voters. Get them on your side.
Be selective about facts. In any situation, there is some good. Take credit for that part, and blame others for the bad.
Demonize your opponents, or those who make trouble for you. Describe them as evil, but be smooth about it. Pretend to be objective. Even if you are a lying, cheating scoundrel, you must give the impression of being sincere, truthful, honest, and a good guy. Take acting lessons if necessary.
Look as if you've given any subject deep thought. Use John Kerry as an example: whatever you're asked about, you have a plan to address it. You just never reveal your plan.
Always say the other side needs to be more cooperative. They are resisting progress. Pretend to listen to their ideas, then quietly reject them later. Bipartisanship is good, providing it's given by the other party.
Use words flexibly. They mean what you want them to mean, not what they really mean. You can always change the meaning later.
Say what the public wants to hear. That's what gets you elected. Then, whatever you actually did, say you did whatever the public wants you to have done.
Be holier than everyone else. Remember, you are perfect; the other side is evil.
Know your audience. The people in your party believe you, think you're a good guy. They never catch on. People of the other party know what you're doing, but they don't count. It's the moderates – the confused – whom you must address. They half believe you, but they also half believe your opponent. Never laugh at them, they are the ones you must convince, no matter what it takes.
Finally, remember the people you serve: yourself and those who donate big money to your reelection campaign. Everyone else is irrelevant.
If you follow those simple rules, you can't go wrong. They work over and over again, fooling more than half the people more than half of the time.
Special Supplement for Democrats:
In Part I of the handbook, we saw generic rules all politician of every party should follow to ensure their reelection, while fooling the people into thinking they are doing something for the country. However, each political party has added rules for their own politicians. Here we take up the Democrat Party extensions to the handbook.
The following rules are for Democrats only:Keep it simple, Stupid. Those who vote Democrat are stupid, and can safely be treated as such. Republicans are evil-doers, but Independents are wonderful. Always say, “The Rich aren’t paying their fair share,” “Tax the Rich,” “raise taxes on the Rich,” and finally, “Republicans are trying to protect the Rich.” No matter what the issue, these simple, tired canards always work. Remember, the Rich are few in number, so if they vote against you, it doesn’t matter. More than half of the people pay no income taxes and don’t care if the Rich are taxed too much. You can’t ever spend too much. Just issue U.S. Treasury bonds to cover what you spend. Who cares if most of the money is borrowed from China? Corporations are especially evil. Keep them under the thumb of government. Regulate them to death, and tax all their profits. Insist that they hire more people in spite of that – they are the reason we have unemployment. Make sure they donate a lot to your re-election campaign, or else. Legislation is intended solely for the purpose of buying votes. If it doesn’t pander to a large special interest group who vote Democrat and contribute to you and the Democrat Party, forget it. The general public can be divided into an endless number of special interest groups, and each group can claim to be victims – Democrats can funnel federal money and favorable regulations to them – and thus buy their votes. Identify the group, learn what they want, and think up legislation they will like. Invent new “rights” for them. Don’t forget old groups we’ve pandered to: unions, the old, the poor, environmentalists, Gay/Lesbian folks, Afro-Americans, Illegal immigrants (New term: undocumented Democrats), women (wrongly called Feminazis), drug users who want drugs to be legalized, Muslims, and government employees. Accept no real federal spending cuts. It’s OK to say you are for cuts, even pretend to go along, but don’t ever let any take effect. A good ploy is to put them off until after the next election. Keep kicking the can down the road. The next Congress is likely to be controlled by Democrats. Never propose federal budgets or specific fiscal reform plans. After all, someone will notice the lack of real economy in your plans. Let Republicans propose all the reforms, so Democrats can criticize them endlessly and gain political advantage. Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and the other “entitlements” are the 3rd rail of politics, and Democrats can only enhance, never diminish them. Make sure any changes are proposed only by Republicans, then scream bloody murder – Republicans want to hurt the old and the poor (for the benefit of the Rich.) Learn the language of baseline budgeting. According to baseline budgeting, each department of government is expected to receive an increase of three to ten per cent each year. If they get less than their expected increase, that’s a “cut”, and if they get more, it’s an “increase”. Never allow any department to actually receive less money in real terms than it did the prior year. Find a good place to hide away your bribe and graft money. Don’t keep it in your home freezer. Always speak to the media with the same talking points. You just repeat what Obama, Reid, and Pelosi say. We Democrats don’t need originality. Always wear a smug expression when you talk to the public. Remember, Democrats own the moral high ground. Fundraising for your next election is the main part of your job.
These are the basic handbook extensions for the Democrat Party. Other rules are being tested and may be added later.