The Leavenworth Times - Leavenworth, KS
  • Reichley: Words we use and words we often misuse

  • Columnists, among several other categories of people, love words, their meanings, their intent, and how they are often used in unusual ways.
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  • Columnists, among several other categories of people, love words, their meanings, their intent, and how they are often used in unusual ways.
    So when someone sent an email about the use of words, it just had to be a column someday.
    That day has come. So you fellow word lovers out there, get ready for a rather unusual column, one about words….their use and misuse.
    I changed my I pod name to Titanic. I'm syncing now.
    When chemists die, they barium.
    Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.
    How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
    They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-o.
    We have a class trip to the Coke factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
    The Energizer battery was arrested and charged with battery.
    I didn't like my beard at first, then it grew on me.
    How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
    Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
    What does a clock do when it's in trouble? It goes back four seconds.
    I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    Broken pencils are pointless.
    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
    What do you call a dinosaur with an extended vocabulary? A thesaurus.
    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
    Velcro…what a rip off.
    Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
    Venison for dinner? Oh, deer.
    Earthquake in Washington is obviously the government's fault.
    I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
    If you thought I was wrong, it is only because I was mistaken.
    Page 2 of 2 - And the finale concerns the toilets in New York police stations.
    All of them were stolen, leaving the police with nothing to go on.
    OK, not all were superb plays on words, but most were cute, and showed that someone had put a bit of thought into dreaming them up. But it's summertime, TV is nothing but re-runs, and all of these are fresh and new. Enjoy those you can, and forget the rest.
    John Reichley is a retired Army officer and retired Department of the Army civilian employee.
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