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The Leavenworth Times - Leavenworth, KS
  • Reichley: The way that Murphy tells it

  • This column is a timely tip for readers out there who received a lot of goodies for Christmas.
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  • This column is a timely tip for readers out there who received a lot of goodies for Christmas.
    This is the time of year when thieves know a lot of folks got a lot of good stuff, so to stay a step ahead of the thieves, caution must be taken.
    The first part of this was an email titled, “How to Install a Home Security System.”
    But really, it’s a tongue-in-cheek idea that is likely to work just fine.
    There are four steps to installing this system.
    Go to a local thrift shop and buy a pair of the largest, most abused man’s work boots you can find.
    Place the boots on your front porch on top of a “Guns & Ammo Magazine.”
    Acquire four of the largest dog dishes you can find, and put them by the boots and magazine.
    Lastly, leave this note in a prominent place on your front door:
    “Bubba: Me and Marcel, Donny Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back soon. Don’t mess with the pit bulls that are inside. They got out and messed up the mailman pretty good today.
    “Lots of blood everywhere. I don’t think Killer took part, but he smelled the blood. I locked the four of them in the house, so you better wait outside ‘til we get back. Cooter.”
    That should keep the bad guys away from your new Christmas goodies.
    We’ve all heard of the famous Murphy’s Law, although no one knows just who Murphy was.
    Another email recently outlined 10 of what are called “Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws.” They are:
    Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear brighter than they are until you hear them speak.
    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    Those who live by the sword get shot by those who live by the gun.
    Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
    The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90-percent probability you’ll get it wrong.
    If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in a fog.
    The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
    The shin bone is the part of the human body whose primary function is to find furniture and other objects in a dark room.
    Page 2 of 2 - A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
    If you ever have to go to court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people, selected at random, who were not even smart enough to get out of jury duty.
    I cant’ wait to see the mysterious Murphy’s future laws. He sure seems to be able to get right to the heart of matters and sum them up rather well.
    The emails above had no attribution to anyone or any periodical.  
    This light, whimsy column is my way of saying Happy New Year to one and all out there in reader land. I wish for all a very happy, healthy, and prosperous 2014.
    John Reichley is a retired Army officer and retired Department of the Army civilian employee.

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