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The Leavenworth Times - Leavenworth, KS
  • Lost in Suburbia: Caution - wide load

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  • “Does this car make me look fat?” I asked my husband.
    He just blinked at me. I thought that maybe the lights at the car dealership were blinding him and that’s why he was blinking. I was fairly sure it had nothing to do with my question.
    “I mean, it is a big car and I might look big by association, you know?” I clarified.
    He blinked again. They were obviously some really bright lights.
    “Although …” I continued. “Since the car is so big, I actually might look smaller in comparison. On the flip side, of course, if I got a small car, people would assume I had to be small to fit into it. But then again, I might look really large getting out of it, so I’m not really sure which way to go.”
    My husband walked over to the SUV we were considering, opened the door, and banged it against his head.
    “What are you doing?” I asked him.
    “Trying to make sense of this conversation.”
    I stared at him. I really had no idea why this was so confusing to him. I realized that there were many important factors to consider when buying a car – cost, gas mileage, safety features, warranty. But clearly the issue of driver appearance was also something that needed to be addressed as well. I wouldn’t buy jeans that made me look fat. I certainly wouldn’t buy a car that did either.
    I recalled the first car I had owned - a midsized black sedan. I opted for this color because everyone knows black is slimming. Unfortunately, I chose to save a few bucks and got a car without air conditioning. Little did I know black cars heat up significantly faster and hotter than white cars and I spent three summers sweating like a polar bear in the Amazon. The good news was, I ended up sweating off so much weight, the whole thing was a moot point, anyway.
    Meanwhile, back at the dealership, I noticed another woman checking out a minivan with her husband and three children in tow. I had a hunch that she would be much more help in my quest for a thinning car than my husband.
    “Excuse me,” I said to her. “I was wondering if I could ask you a question?”
    “Sure.”
    “My husband and I are considering buying this car,” I said, gesturing to a nearby SUV. “But I’m concerned that it, um, makes me look fat. Do you think that’s crazy?”
    She smiled. “Not at all.”
    I knew I had asked the right person. Only another woman could understand the relationship between your car and the size of your thighs.
    Page 2 of 2 - “So what do you think?” I wondered.
    “Is that the car?” she asked, gesturing to the SUV.
    “Yes.”
    “And is that the color?”
    “Yes,” I replied again.
    She thought for a bit and then nodded.
    “I think that car is very slimming on you,” she finally concluded.
    I grinned.
    “But you might want to change your hair color.”
    Just in time for Mother’s Day, save 15 percent when you order Tracy’s books, “Rebel Without a Minivan” and “Lost in Suburbia: A Momoir” together on Amazon!

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