I’m a grown up now. I know monsters don’t live under the bed. They actually are messing around in my closet and are playing havoc with the bathroom mirrors. Between candy corn and pumpkin pie, the battle of the bulge begins again.

A mask would definitely come in handy this year since the hair growing out of my nose has become the strength of dental floss and is steadily becoming gray and twisted. I’ve also decided the boogie man is replacing my clothes with smaller sizes or I swallowed a goblin and didn’t know it. I thought at this age I was supposed to be shrinking, not expanding.

Several of the light bulbs in the bathroom have burned out and I suggested we don’t change them for new ones. Since he knows all about electricity and wants to replace them with some fancy LED bulbs, it’s going to become even brighter. The whole concept of being able to see in the bathroom mirror is grossly overrated. The less I can see, the less I have to think about the body parts that are falling, drooping or growing hair. 

Typically it’s hard to distract me from reading a good book but lately I’ve been looking at these pair of wrinkled hands that are holding the Kindle which has been programmed to the largest print available. Apparently, no amount of lotion is going to stop this aging process. These aren’t the hands I remember being connected to my arms. Not only are they wrinkled, but they’re loading up with brown age spots, which match the ones on my face, so at least I’m consistent.

Another birthday is creeping up and as much as I want to say I don’t care about getting older, I’m really not that keen on the aches and pains that go along with it. Even something as simple as carrying the grandkids around is throwing my hip out of place. Jumping, skipping or running is no longer an option unless I can use the restroom before, during and after. If that’s not scary, I don’t know what is.

I’m being haunted all right – by creepy stuff that’s been happening since going over the hill. The gray hair is coming in sooner than my hair appointments are to cover them up. The words “huh” and “what did you say” are becoming a staple in my vocabulary and I’ve considered buying a magnifying glass as my readers aren’t quite doing the job anymore.

Trick or treat you say? This year’s Halloween costume will be effortless. I’m going as a middle age menopausal mad woman and you’ll either give me the candy or else.

Sandy Turner is a GateHouse Media columnist.