OPINION

What could be scarier than being over the hill?

Sandy Turner
Sandy Turner

With so many skeletons in my closet, it’s hard to keep them all quiet. In an effort to be a good little witch, I’m just going to eat, drink and be scary.

I can produce a scene from “Psycho” with my main monster man as soon as I head for a power tool or get into the driver’s side of his truck. I know I scare him, as he often reminds me, especially when I’m starting a new project.

The family gets spooked with my one-liners, “Let me fix that for you” or “I won’t break it, I promise.”

What makes this even more frightful is I honestly believe I can do it/fix it/drive it, when it’s obvious I can’t. At times it not only scares them, but scares me a little too, especially when I’m in the midst of it and know I will break a couple bones if I can’t pull it off like I said I could.

Going over the hill is scary. It was absolutely blood-curdling when I realized I can now order off the senior citizen discount menu, or when I found a hair growing off my face that was long enough to curl. Several of the light bulbs in the bathroom have burned out and I suggested we don’t change them for new ones. Since he knows all about electricity, and wants to replace with some fancy LED bulbs, it’s going to become even brighter. The whole concept of being able to see in the bathroom mirror is grossly overrated. The less I can see, the less I have to think about the body parts that are falling, drooping or growing hair.

The mask definitely came in handy this year since the hairs growing out of my nose have become the strength of dental floss and are steadily becoming gray and twisted. I’ve also decided the boogey man is replacing my clothes with smaller sizes or I swallowed a goblin and didn’t know it. I thought at this age I was supposed to be shrinking not expanding.

I could easily scare dad by mentioning the words IRS, FBI or CIA. He didn’t owe the government money or had ever committed a crime, but for some reason it would make him cringe. It’s worrisome the amount of scams on seniors who can’t see past the masks of those who try and befriend them.

The people we love can be scary especially if they say “We need to talk” or if my sister asks if she can help me with dinner. She can also be really frightful when she spews, “Here’s some clothes for you that are too small for me” or when she offers up, “That’s interesting” when commenting on my new outfit.

Life can seem like a monster mash with ghosts and goblins lurking in the shadows and bats determined to fly in your hair, which, if you were wondering, is a lot like the bird of paradise flying up your nose. Watch out for both. My trick is having seven grandchildren who are my sweet treats.

Have a safe and happy Halloween and I hope you howl at the moon.

Sandy Turner lives in Independence, Missouri. Email her at sandydownhome@hotmail.com